When parents get divorced, they generally pay a lot of attention to the needs of their young children. They carefully plan to answer their children’s questions about “will I need to change schools?”, “where I will live”, and how their daily lives will change. Parents know that the divorce will create challenges for their children and those challenges are often the focus of their discussions early in the divorce process.
When parents of adult children are divorcing, the needs of those children can often be overlooked. It is often assumed that adult children will not be as impacted by their parent’s divorce. As Collaborative Divorce professionals, we are learning more about the impact of divorce on adult children. Adult children often grieve over the parting of their parents and parents need to be mindful of how to help their adult children cope with their intense emotions around this change.
How to Help Adult Children Through Your Divorce
You and your soon-to-be ex-spouse should discuss how and when to tell your adult children about the divorce. Ideally, this is a planned message that is jointly crafted by both parents. Just as with young children, you want to try to be on the same page and consistent in how you will respond to questions they may ask.
Some suggestions include:
- No matter how young or old your children are, never ask them to take sides in the divorce. They should not be put in the middle between the two of you.
- Do not say bad things to them about their other parent and do not place blame for the divorce on the other parent. Even though they are adults, the children should not have to listen to one parent bad-mouth the other one. Your children do not need to know all the details of your divorce and they should not be your main source of support during the divorce.
- If at all possible, agree with your co-parent that you will both continue to attend important special events, like graduations, weddings, grandchildren’s activities, recitals, school performances, and sports events. Do not make your adult child have to accommodate your needs during these special events.
- Involve your adult children in making plans for the holidays. Plan ahead for how the holidays will be celebrated to take the pressure off of them and you.
Listen to your adult children’s concerns. Remember, they are grieving the loss of the family unit as they knew it. It is true that some things will never be the same. Adult children may feel they have lost their anchor. You can help them by seeking out your own sources of support, shielding them from conflict and helping make the transition as smooth as possible. To do this, you may need to seek counseling for yourself to help you navigate these new important boundaries.
Contact a Vermont Collaborative Divorce Attorney
Members of Collaborative Divorce Vermont help our clients through a divorce by using the Collaborative Divorce process. We assist you with recognizing the needs of your adult children during this difficult time.
To learn more about how we can help you and your spouse divorce as amicably as possible, considering the needs of our adult children, contact Corey Wood, for a confidential consultation.